10 Men That Hottie In Your Class Could Be... If Only You’d Talk To Him.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

For those who know me, I’m back!
For those who don’t, read my previous posts, comment, wonder where I disappeared to, and......... I’m back!
I’ve been missing for a while - partly because I’m busy with school, partly because I don’t have Internet, but mostly because I am very lazy and prefer to spend my free time playing Temple Run.
But enough about my hobbies.  Let’s talk about me.  Some may wonder who I am.  My name is G.  And I crush on boys who I do not know.
They say the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.  But to “them” I say: It’s not a problem, goddammit!  I simply have a crush on a guy in my class who I have never spoken to.  That’s right.  No cordial “hello” in the hallway.  No awkward weather talk while waiting at the bus stop.  Only a stifled, whispered “you’re beautiful” as he walks out of the classroom.  Creepy?  It’s debatable. 
I’m sure you’ve been there.  We have all crushed on someone, guy or girl, who we didn’t know.  For grammar’s sake, let’s assume he’s a boy.  We have all wondered what he would be like, too.  Funny?  Philanthropic?  Obsessed with playing Dungeons and Dragons in his mom’s basement?  The sad truth is, we will never know what qualities this special person possesses - unless we talk to him.  But this blog post isn’t one of those useless, self-help “How To Talk To Your Crush” scenarios.  It’s hypothetical - and probably completely inaccurate.  And so I present to you:

G’s List of 10 Men That Hottie In Your Class Could Be... If Only You’d Talk To Him.
Pierce Brosnan as 'James Bond'
1. Spy/Secret Agent.  But not James Bond, Jack Bauer or Jason Bourne.  I’m talking Drew Barrymore in ‘Never Been Kissed’.  This guy you’re crushing on is really just a redheaded actress disguised as a male disguised as a college student - for the sole purpose of acquiring secret intel of the school.  He is most likely awkward and insecure with a questionable interest in Charlie’s Angels.  When approached with the subject of dating or, God forbid, kissing women, he sweats, clams up, and stutters.  Despite this weird aversion to females, he is not to be confused with #2.

Sasha Baron Cohen as 'Bruno'
2. Gay.  He has a penchant for the finer things in life - fashion, hair, and Zac Efron.  When you thought he called you his girlfriend, you were right.  He did call you his girlfriend.  Except he meant it in the way girls use it when referring to any one of their gaggle of friends.  As in, “We should totally have a girls night and watch Channing Tatum in that new movie, girlfriend!”  When he vehemently defended Britney Spears (a la “leave Britney alone!!”) when other students in the room bashed her music, that should have been the first warning sign.  The second sign should have been when he consistently, without fail, kept his gaze above your chest.

Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining'

3. Sociopath.  You know the type.  Meticulously attractive.  Charming, in that persuasive, cunning way.  Calculating.  And not just because you’re in a math class.  I mean this guy is crunching numbers all day long.  He’s counting the ways he can stash his victims.  He’s counting the hairs on your head so he knows how to properly dispose of them all.  Dare I say he’s counting the minutes left in your life.  One day he comes to class with his arm in a sling, only to be seen picking up a suspicious briefcase with the same hand once class is dismissed.  I mean, honestly, what innocent person carries around a briefcase!?  He takes pleasure in bringing pain to others and was once heard telling a kid at the bus stop that Santa doesn’t exist.  Steer clear of this guy, he probably keeps jars of human heads in his dorm room’s mini fridge

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino
 4. God’s Gift To Women (or so he likes to think).  Flexing his muscles?  Check.  Running a hand through his perfectly spiked hair?  Check.  Circulating the local bar scene for (underaged) girl’s numbers?  Double check.  He probably pumps iron at the gym 7 days a week, but only because his bros say he’s getting soft.  He just got a new tattoo.  It’s of a wolf howling at the moon, with a subscript reading “One Man Wolf Pack.”  The only reason he hasn’t chatted you up yet is because your hair isn’t teased to the heavens, your boobs aren’t the size of giant balloons, and you don’t get shitfaced enough at the bar to attract his attention.

Buddy Jesus from 'Dogma'

 5. The best person you’ve ever met.  He’s kind, compassionate and has a huge heart.  He’s always talking about this family he saved from a burning fire, and that dog he rescued from a raging flood.  He’s got close affiliations with Unicef, Greenpeace and United Way.  He’s practically carved out of cotton candy, he’s that sweet.  He’s like the Mother Teresa of men.  When that slobbering loser, Beatrice, dropped her text book down the stairs, who was there to retrieve it for her, slobber and all?  When your idiot teacher made a crucial mistake (“Class, 2 + 2 = 5”) during the lesson, who was the only person who didn’t burst out into diabolical laughter?   This guy.  Let’s face it.  He’s too good for you anyway.

Spencer Pratt
 6. And the worst.  Picture the love child of Joseph Stalin and Casey Anthony.  Now throw in some body odor and gingivitis.  When it comes to evil, he’s a classic case: controlling, crude, crass, chauvinistic, and a certified crab apple.  He’s a misogynist.  He hates women.  When you bat your eyelashes at him, he spits in your face.  When you mention how great of a cook you are, he asks you why you’re in class and not the kitchen.  His sense of humour is foul, just like his breath.  He laughs and mutters racial slurs when your economics professor brings up the state of Sudan’s economy.  Why do you even like this guy??  Oh yeah, because, despite the halitosis and obvious disdain for women and minorities, he’s pretty damn hot.  You should really stop being so shallow.
Tobey Maguire in 'Spiderman 2'

 7. Donald Draper.  Peter Parker.  Tiger Woods.  And any other man you can think of who leads a double life.  Ever wonder why this mystery man always disappears into the shadows as soon as your instructor dismisses the class?  Or why his eyes suspiciously dart across the room when asked a simple question like “what are you doing this weekend”?  You’re pretty sure you’ve seen him somewhere before - but not in his regular attire.  He’s got a secret identity - a hidden agenda - and it intrigues you.  Who knows, maybe he’s got a biological connection with spiders or a gruesome, smothered past.  Bet you didn’t know he’s married with kids.
Charlie Chaplin
 8. Your stalker.  He knows you... More than you know yourself.  He’s got your name and class schedule memorized.  Every time you gaze longingly at the back of his head, wallowing in the thought that he will never notice you, you’re wrong.  He followed you to the bus stop last week.  I’m willing to bet that he’s Facebook-creeped the living shit out of your page - just to find out what your favourite colour is.  Remember that odd friend request you got from a random man living in Singapore?  You might as well go back and re-add him, if you have any hope of finding out more about your crush.
John Krasinski

9. Just your average Joe Blow.  (Note: This is most likely who your mystery man is).  Approximately 5’10”, 150 pounds, size 9 shoe, medium brown hair, regular blue jeans and a name like David or Michael.  His interests include beer, video games, sports, hanging out with his buddies, and french fries.  He has a healthy relationship with his parents and siblings, a secondhand car or motorcycle, a respectable part-time job, and a cute smile.  If you were his girlfriend, he’d probably enjoy your company, comfort you when you’re down, bring you chicken noodle soup when you’re sick, and watch a couple episodes of ‘90210’ with you, before getting bored.  If you ever broke up, he’d probably remain civil but become increasingly more involved with his hobbies and always, always ignore your frantic, desperate, drunken texts. 
Ryan Gosling in 'The Notebook'
 10. The One / Prince Charming / Ryan Gosling in ‘The Notebook’.  (Note: This is least likely who your mystery man is).  Exactly 6’2”, 180 pounds of pure lean muscle, size 14 shoe (we all know what this means, ladies), golden-brown hair which could only have been sun-kissed by God himself, tailored Armani suit and a name like Alejandro or Sebastian.  His interests include fine wine, cruising around on his new yacht, playing polo with Prince William, hunting fowl with Prince Harry, and french kissing.  As previously mentioned, he has close ties to the Royal family, as he is heir to a throne himself, a Rolls Royce Phantom, a whole line of staff to perform his duties for him, and a porcelain set of pearly whites.  If you were his girlfriend, he would make you queen.  If you ever broke up, he’d write you 365 love letters, one for each day of the year, take you on a rowboat through a torrential downpour and kiss you like it was his last action on earth.

Feelo here! G and I both suffer from the same thing. haha I fell for a boy in my class but lost my opportunity and now I don't know when I'll see him again (even though we coincidentally had many bump ins.. FATE WAS ON MY SIDE FOR A WHILE). Instant regret not talking to him first. I'll cherish our one and only convo. >< G still has a shot. HWAITING GIRL. I'M ROOTING FOR YOU!!!

So, Friday is my birthday!! (also the last day for Elisa's photo contest I entered. Vote by liking my photo if you haven't already. ^___^) I'll be posting about my birthday and hauling around my camera just for you guys! I've already gone out a bit but didn't take many pictures. haha WOOPS. 

See you guys soon!! <3<3<3

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